So, what is going on?

So, on my twitter I have been down in the dumps lately and a total Debbie Downer. I wanted to let everyone know (who reads my blog/follows me on twitter) what was going on. So, here it goes.

I was about 11 years old when I found out I was depressed. There were days when I wouldn't want to get ready for school and to make my mom let me stay home I would threaten my life. The summer of when I turned 13 was when my depression started to downward spiral. My dad walked out on us when my mom took us on a "family vacation" we came to find everything of my dad's gone. He called the next day to tell me to tell my mom that he wanted a divorce. After this initial shock of him leaving, my mom had to tell my little brother and sister that dad wasn't coming back. I didn't know how to deal with this. My way of dealing (for the next 6 months) was cutting. I was a closet cutter, I never wanted people to find out that I did it. I would hide my arms in baggy clothing and wear pajamas to class. I never wanted to be there, but when I was there, I was in my own little world. I wasn't taking meds for depression, so I wallowed in life. In the last week of Feb. 2001, I was busted. My friends started realizing that I was cutting and they told a grown-up. That grown-up was the middle school guidance woman. I was sent to the office to talk to the guidance people my 8th hour of class. Little did I know that the police were there to take me away to rehab. The police officer asked me to lift up my sleeves, which I did, to show where I was cutting. That was just enough for the police officer to put me "under arrest" for Chapter 51 which meant I was under custody of the rehab center for 72 hours. This happened to be the nearby hospital's mental health wing.  This was the first day that I actually started thinking...I need to live. I need to get help. I started an anti-depression medication and tried to get my life back on track.

Flash Forward: 
I am now 23 years old and my old medication wasn't cutting it. I was sleeping all the time and not motivated to do anything. My family doctor decided to put me on something new. The new medicine was started the last week of 2010. December 31, 2010 was when I had my first panic attack and ended up in urgent care. 2011 hasn't been very good so far because the transition from the first medication to the second medication was brutal. Panic attacks, crying fits, breakdowns in my closet... it has not been easy. I am coming off the third week of being on it and it is starting to show signs that it is working. It will take a while for everything to even out, but I think my chemical imbalance is now under control! (Because of the drug they gave me to counter act the panic attacks and Mike!!!) I am not the type to be sad or feel sorry for myself and this post is not in anyway trying to make anyone feel bad, I just wanted to let you readers know what was going on.

I also figured in the light of my favorite Backstreet Boy AJ McLean going back to rehab, I could talk about why I have been such a disast lately.

Also, because I have struggled with cutting since I have been in the hospital in 2001, I can totally relate to gorgeous Demi Lovato who was also in rehab this year because of cutting and other demons. I wish her and AJ the best, because sometimes you cannot fight these demons on your own. I know I can't.

This is also why I have LOVE on my wrist. To support the Write Love on Her Arms Movement.  This is a huge deal to me and if you read my facebook the other day (for people that follow me) this is why. I will fight this battle everyday for the rest of my life, I just need help to keep it under control.


  1. I'm SO proud of you for this. It's a very personal thing and very hard for most people to talk about, and i think you're amazing for doing so. I sincerely hope the meds kick in full force soon. The way people with mental illness are treated and stigmatized makes me sick. My mother has a chemical imbalance and needs help, but doctors just pander to her and give her drugs she doesn't need, while ignoring the fact that there are other drugs she DOES need. My brother has been in and out of prison his whole life. He needs rehab, first and foremost. I sincerely hope that one day, people will see depression for what it is - an illness - not something that you can help or "snap out of."

  2. I'm sorry to hear you've been going through all that with the med change... I've been there and I feel your pain completely. I had that happen to me last year when my anxiety med was subbed with a generic. My mother warned me that we metabolize generic xanax too fast but I didn't believe her (the scientist in me wanted proof) and a week on the generic had me feel like I was loosing my mind. Between the constant panic attacks, daily crying spells and feeling like I stopped the meds cold turkey, I was a mess. I'm very glad you've found something that is helping. Depression really sucks! And I truly feel your pain (I'm currently attempting to fight it off the best I can while I dig up the $ to see my shrink (he's not in my insurance network so I pay out of pocket) to get put back on antidepressants & sleep aids for a bit as the anxiety meds alone are cutting it). Good Luck on your fight and if you ever need to talk... come find me. ;)

  3. It's so awesome that you can be this open about your depression. This is such a hard topic to breech and it's terrible that depression is so stigmatized. Thank you for being so open and know that you're not alone!

  4. I'm a new follower of yours and it must have taken a lot of courage to write this. I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time switching your meds, I hope you start feeling a bit better soon!

    I've heard of To Write Love On Her Arms and it's an amazing organization. Your tattoo is wonderful and hope it reminds you every day that you ARE LOVED. :)

  5. I'm so sorry you've been suffering with depression. You are definitely not alone. I'm really proud of you for sharing this with everyone, I know it can't be easy. I hope your meds start working, and you start feeling better soon.

    PS, I really love your tattoo!